Love Sick - Script

Premise/Dramatic Question: A heartbroken professor attempts to teach his students that love is a dangerous and contagious disease.

PROPS/COSTUMES: Saw/Knife

INT MED CLASSROOM - DAY

Students are filling into a classroom.

Ok class, open your textbooks to page 206. Today, we will be learning about a disease that has been inflated recently in teens and young adults.

Excuse me professor, but the medical textbook only talks about love on this page?

That is because Love is indeed the disease we will be discussing today.

You can't possibly think that love is an actual disease, right?

The symptoms of love include increased heartrate, excessive sweating, dizziness, butterflies in the stomach, nausea, obsessive compulsive behavior, and the increased risk of mono.

Wait, professor, did you say obsessive compulsive behavior? How does love cause that?

Well, when you catch love, you think about that person very often, and I mean very often. Then your awake at nine o'clock pm thinking about whether or not you should text them, but you don't want to be annoying- but you want to talk to them, but they haven't texted you in a while, but it's not weird to start a conversation, but it's already nine, nine's not even that late, but is it? You get the idea.

That seems oddly specific.

No, no it isn't it's completely normal! Now that we have covered symptoms, now we can focus on the important information; how to prevent love.

The key to preventing love is by avoiding PDA, aka “Public Displays of Affection.” We are lucky enough to have a natural deterrent to PDA called BO. Aka, Body Odor. I suggest not showering for at least five weeks at a time, just as I have.

PROFESSOR lifts his arms and students start gagging and coughing at his stench.

People will look down on you for your stench, but now you can't be ashamed because it is completely intentional!

Professor do you need to talk about something...?

As effective as this is, we must remember the importance of body language. Tyler, why don't you come up here for a second?

TYLER walks to the front of the class to the PROFESSOR.

As you can see class, Tyler is a decent looking young man, and is in great risk of catching love. But with the power of body language...

(As the he says this, he moves Tyler's body to fit this pose.)

Shoulders up, head back, arms and back stiff, and legs slightly bent. Now, Tyler looks extremely awkward, and frankly undesirable. The most PDA you could ever get with this pose, is what the LDS kids call "the deacon shuffle." The type of dance sixth grade girls made fun of you for even though you were already nervous to go to the dance and all you wanted to do was have a good time with her.

PROFESSOR stands super stiff with his arms out, similar to Tyler's pose, and starts teetering back and force to simulate the awkward "dancing" that people have been unfortunate to experience.

(Extremely uncomfortable)

Professor? If your done reminiscing on your sad life, may I please sit down now?

NOT REMINESCING! And yes, Tyler you may. Just remember to keep your stance awkwardly stiff, and when you move your arms to really spread your wings so you can release your musk-

PROFESSOR opens his arms again, and everyone starts coughing and gagging again, Tyler almost throws up and runs back to his seat.

Professor, is avoiding love really worth all this work and humiliation? I mean, I think that love can be kind of sweet.

(A bit like a villain's monologue)

Oh Whinnie, you poor sweet naive soul. I'm sure that High School Musical, and Twilight, and Tay-Tay Swift, has convinced you that love is a wonderful thing where you sing and dance and hold hands- but don't let them fool you!! Love is the most evil thing on this planet! It caused every great tragedy! Romeo and Juliet die at their happily ever after, Helen's love caused the Trojan war, and Jack's love for Rose caused the Titanic to sink!

Students go "ummm" and "no" "nuh uh" in doubt

(Yelling like a crazy person)

Jack and the iceberg were in kahoots and I have proof!

PRODFESSOR clears his throat and composes himself

So, class, this leads us to our last way to prevent love.

PROFESSOR whips out a saw/knife

(Back to being a psychopath)

TO CUT OUT MY HEART!

Student scream "NOOOO" in concern and fear

PRINCIPAL walks into the classroom

(Concerned and surprised)

Brown? What are you doing here!? I thought I told you to take the day off after your big breakup?

(Like he's been caught)

Oh! Principal Riley! I assure you there's a good reason to this, it's just-

PROFFESOR pauses for a moment, then raises both arms in despair.

(Devastated and heartbroken)

I loved you so much!

PROFFESSOR starts bawling and students start to cough at the stench again.

He's contaminated with love! Students cover your mouths and noses!

Students cover their faces with their sleeves as the PRINCIPAL ushers the PROFESSOR out the room.

That's it buddy, you're going to rest at home until the love fizzles out.

So, as long as he gets rest, we're gonna be ok?

Well, the professor should be, but you know what they say

PRINCIPAL faces the audience

PRINCIPAL finishes taking the PROFFESSOR out the room as the student fearfully look at each other in fear of falling in love.