My princess

PROPS/COSTUMES: Staff; dark and evil-looking cloak/dress; princess dress; prince outfit; two crowns if possible

A/V: Dark castle brick wall background; romantic/meaningful music, epic/intense quest music

Prince enters castle/stage with Sorceress awaiting on the other side of the stage, epic/intense quest music is playing

Ah! I’ve been expecting you!

(Epic, nobel monologue style)

I have conquered many trials and traveled many miles to arrive at this castle, to save… my princess!

It’s too late, little prince! Your pretty princes-

Prince walks up to Sorceress, grabs her by the hand, and starts to walk across stage, and epic quest music abruptly stops

(looking happily at Sorceress)

I have come to save you, princess!

Sorceress rips her hand out of Prince’s grasp

Wait wait wait wait, do you genuinely think that I’M the princess?

I mean- yeah. Who else would you be?

You’re telling me that you looked at me, and thought “princess” .

Yeah! You’re a girl. And… you have a dress. A princess!

Did you hit your head on the way here or something…?

(reaching for Sorceress like an idiot)

But it's for love…

Nonono NO! No. There is something you are NOT getting here- I am the Sorceress!

BEAT Prince clearly looks confused while Sorceress waits for him to get it

The one who stole the princess!

(explaining it like a day at the park)

But… that's not how quests work. The way the quest goes is that I go to the castle, get the princess, bring her home to meet my parents, (more sad) and finally gain my father’s respect… BEAT (even more sadly) Never be called shrimpy by your family members again… BEAT (suddenly peppy again)That’s how a quest works!

Well I’m not the princess!

That’s exactly what a princess would say!

No it isn’t! A princess wouldn’t want to nor need to lie about being a princess. They’d probably just say (in high pitched voice)“Ah yes it is I, the princess-”

Ha! So you admit it!

(Going toward Sorceress)

C’moooon can't you let me save you already?

The epic/ intense music plays while the Sorceress speaks the next line and fades when she finishes

(in a booming voice)

SILENCE!!! If you take a step closer I’ll curse the princess with an eternal sleep! The only cure being true love’s kiss!

Wait so I have to kiss someone?

Well not now really… only if I curse the princess.

Oh so I have to kiss you!

Prince leans in for a kiss with duck lips and Sorceress stops him by putting hands on his face (she is supporting his weight) to distance herself, squishing his face making it difficult to speak (give lots of time to let audience laugh at this)

(hands still on face)

But then you’ll be cursed forever!

(hands still on face)

For the last time I’m not cursed! I mean the princess isn’t cursed! I mean- Gahhhh!

Sorceress pushes Prince away

I am just- flabbergasted! You’re REALLY dense!!!

(without missing a beat)

Yeah I’m (while patting his thighs) quite sturdy, thanks for noticing.

(exasperated while shaking her staff at him)

Gaahhhh! Just why!? Why can’t you just battle me like every other stupid prince that I lure into my castle to meet certain doom?!

Sorceress sits down in defeat, and after a moment the prince sits down next to her.

Why would I ever want to battle the beautiful princess I'm supposed to save?

Romantic/meaningful music plays

…you really think I’m beautiful?

(face drops again and Romantic/meaningful music dies)

And not just because you think I'm a princess?

(counting with fingers with each compliment)

Nope! You’re also super cool, super powerful, super smart. I didn’t even know eflaperjated was a word till I met you.

You mean flabbergasted?

Yeah, flercobblthasted

Romantic/meaningful music starts up again

Well I guess that's kinda sweet in a delusional way… I guess since the only option for a girl in this type of world is either a damsel in distress or a villain, I felt like being a power-hungry villain was the only way without being helpless. But being a villain means that I’m also not allowed to be beautiful and kind and…

(putting arm around Sorceress)

M’lady fairest, you can be anything you want to be.

Sorceress and Prince both smile at each other

Princess enters stage and romantic/ meaningful music suddenly stops

How did you find us!?

(in same princessy high-pitched voice as earlier)

It is I, the princess!

That’s the princess!?

(pointing at the princess)

Yes! That is the princess.

Why didn’t you tell me that you weren’t the princess!?!?

Wait a minute, were you- flirting with my evil capture!?!?!?

How could you!?!? You are MY Prince!! You only get to be with me!

During the following insults, the Prince starts melting due to the confusion and betrayal, just breaking down, saying things like “It was an accident”, and “I came here to save you” T^T. The Sorceress is watching in disbelief and anger starts to boil up in her. The epic/intense quest music plays again when she starts insulting

You lily-livered frog eater, you rancid royal, you sock-headed soulless cabbage, you trust fund baby, the only throne you’ll ever sit on is a toilet, you twig, you royal benchwarmer, you cream faced loon, and- AND YOUR HAIR IS STUPID!!!

(voice booming while taking place to prince’s side)

The Sorceress uses her staff to curse the princess into a sleep afterwards, the epic/intense quest music stops, then the remaining characters pause, looking at the princess, and the Prince looks shocked.

(Looks at Sorceress, grinning)

Prince jumps into Sorceress’s arms and romantic/meaningful music starts again